Ea-Zee-Pass

Will and I just drove from Providence to Rockville, MD in 6 hours and 35 minutes - a new record. My own personal best prior to this historic performance was 7 hours and 20 minutes. I attribute our success to great teamwork (sharing gas pumping and food-ordering duties at the Pilot-Wendy's on 95), my new EZPass transmitter, and courage.

you totin' the big d?

ok, so my cell phone rings last night at like 12:30 and it's a restricted number. I pick up anyway.
I offer an inquisitive "hello?", which is followed by a stream of "hey, what's up honey, how you doing, you trying to get you some? I'm trying to get me some" and things of that nature. Let me give you a few other tidbits of the conversation...

S: you trying to get you some in Antarctica?
D: uhhhh
S: well is you?
D: who is this?
S: don't worry about who this is baby, you ever tasted brown suga?
D: (pause)
S: I seen you with those little white girls, that girl Claire ain't shit, she can't please you, baby you need to get you some good lovin, some brown suga.
D: no, i've never tasted brown suga.
S: can i come over?
D: what?
...
S: I know all about Bob and Claire [parents] and Allie [sister] and Cosmo and Maddie [my dogs]. Me and Claire is tight.
D: (disconcerted pause) what'd you say your name was again?
S: dis is Shaquaka
D: Shaquaka?
S: that's right baby, Shaquaka. I make-a the Earth-quaka.
D: that's fucking hot.
...
S: So baby, can I come over? I'm gonna give you some real lovin, some shit that'll blow your mind. brown suga baby.
D: Do you know where I live?
S: Yeah, in Providence, I know you home, I can see your Honda parked outside.
D: [feeling a bit like Drew Berrymore in Scream] (pause)
S: Why you keep pausin?
D: pausin?
...
S: you totin' the big d?
D: what?
S: I heard you was totin' the big d? is that true?
D: you mean a big dick?
S: yea nigga, what the fuck else would I be talkin about? Is it true?
D: well...I don't want to brag...that's for you to find out.
S: you ready for me to come over?
D: (pause)
...
S: I got 10 fingers baby.
D: oh yea?
S: you have no idea what I can do with those 10 fingers. Shit you never even imagined.
D: (dumbfounded puase)
...
Those are the parts I can remember. I wish I could have recorded it. In the end I was on the phone for about 14 minutes. At first I was playing along, but as she slowly started revealing more personal information, I became more and more concerned. She was mentioning shit that not too many people would know, like stuff from home and from school. After I hung up, I locked all the doors, got under the covers, and started playing detective. No leads yet, but I'll keep you posted.

Anonymous

To Anonymous:
We here at Talent Show are a friendly bunch of hard-working, well-meaning American citizens who use this forum as a means to relieve the pain and terror of our everyday lives. While we are not exclusive by any means, we do not encourage anonymous bloggers to join the party unless they are totally awesome. Considering that you do not appreciate our literary posts, "stop the literary posts. i don't understand them (12:05 PM, 8/18/04)," maybe you would be happier posting anonymously at a different blog. Hold on a sec, I'll even find one for you...Printed Steps. Joyce seems like a very nice girl and she even has a stuffed teddy bear holding a frog on the page. And as far as I know, she also shares your dislike of literary posts. In fact, I can't even understand her writing half of the time because she leaves out so many fucking letters. And with that, I wish you the best in life and your anonymous posting.
Sincerely,
The Lanky Poobah

grape-o-rama

so i went to stop and shop last night. i walk in the door and i am greeted by a wall of grapes. there was a big sign that said "grape-o-rama!". $0.88/lb=partytime. it was kuh-razy.

important question

ok.
so my aunt and uncle's cat is a bitch. i called her a bitch. then i thought about it. can a female cat be a bitch? is there an equivalent term for cats? catbitch? catch? snatch?
she hisses at me when i walk by, and wouldn't let me into the bathroom last night. so i took a crap in her litterbox.