you totin' the big d?
ok, so my cell phone rings last night at like 12:30 and it's a restricted number. I pick up anyway.
I offer an inquisitive "hello?", which is followed by a stream of "hey, what's up honey, how you doing, you trying to get you some? I'm trying to get me some" and things of that nature. Let me give you a few other tidbits of the conversation...
S: you trying to get you some in Antarctica?
D: uhhhh
S: well is you?
D: who is this?
S: don't worry about who this is baby, you ever tasted brown suga?
D: (pause)
S: I seen you with those little white girls, that girl Claire ain't shit, she can't please you, baby you need to get you some good lovin, some brown suga.
D: no, i've never tasted brown suga.
S: can i come over?
D: what?
...
S: I know all about Bob and Claire [parents] and Allie [sister] and Cosmo and Maddie [my dogs]. Me and Claire is tight.
D: (disconcerted pause) what'd you say your name was again?
S: dis is Shaquaka
D: Shaquaka?
S: that's right baby, Shaquaka. I make-a the Earth-quaka.
D: that's fucking hot.
...
S: So baby, can I come over? I'm gonna give you some real lovin, some shit that'll blow your mind. brown suga baby.
D: Do you know where I live?
S: Yeah, in Providence, I know you home, I can see your Honda parked outside.
D: [feeling a bit like Drew Berrymore in Scream] (pause)
S: Why you keep pausin?
D: pausin?
...
S: you totin' the big d?
D: what?
S: I heard you was totin' the big d? is that true?
D: you mean a big dick?
S: yea nigga, what the fuck else would I be talkin about? Is it true?
D: well...I don't want to brag...that's for you to find out.
S: you ready for me to come over?
D: (pause)
...
S: I got 10 fingers baby.
D: oh yea?
S: you have no idea what I can do with those 10 fingers. Shit you never even imagined.
D: (dumbfounded puase)
...
Those are the parts I can remember. I wish I could have recorded it. In the end I was on the phone for about 14 minutes. At first I was playing along, but as she slowly started revealing more personal information, I became more and more concerned. She was mentioning shit that not too many people would know, like stuff from home and from school. After I hung up, I locked all the doors, got under the covers, and started playing detective. No leads yet, but I'll keep you posted.
I offer an inquisitive "hello?", which is followed by a stream of "hey, what's up honey, how you doing, you trying to get you some? I'm trying to get me some" and things of that nature. Let me give you a few other tidbits of the conversation...
S: you trying to get you some in Antarctica?
D: uhhhh
S: well is you?
D: who is this?
S: don't worry about who this is baby, you ever tasted brown suga?
D: (pause)
S: I seen you with those little white girls, that girl Claire ain't shit, she can't please you, baby you need to get you some good lovin, some brown suga.
D: no, i've never tasted brown suga.
S: can i come over?
D: what?
...
S: I know all about Bob and Claire [parents] and Allie [sister] and Cosmo and Maddie [my dogs]. Me and Claire is tight.
D: (disconcerted pause) what'd you say your name was again?
S: dis is Shaquaka
D: Shaquaka?
S: that's right baby, Shaquaka. I make-a the Earth-quaka.
D: that's fucking hot.
...
S: So baby, can I come over? I'm gonna give you some real lovin, some shit that'll blow your mind. brown suga baby.
D: Do you know where I live?
S: Yeah, in Providence, I know you home, I can see your Honda parked outside.
D: [feeling a bit like Drew Berrymore in Scream] (pause)
S: Why you keep pausin?
D: pausin?
...
S: you totin' the big d?
D: what?
S: I heard you was totin' the big d? is that true?
D: you mean a big dick?
S: yea nigga, what the fuck else would I be talkin about? Is it true?
D: well...I don't want to brag...that's for you to find out.
S: you ready for me to come over?
D: (pause)
...
S: I got 10 fingers baby.
D: oh yea?
S: you have no idea what I can do with those 10 fingers. Shit you never even imagined.
D: (dumbfounded puase)
...
Those are the parts I can remember. I wish I could have recorded it. In the end I was on the phone for about 14 minutes. At first I was playing along, but as she slowly started revealing more personal information, I became more and more concerned. She was mentioning shit that not too many people would know, like stuff from home and from school. After I hung up, I locked all the doors, got under the covers, and started playing detective. No leads yet, but I'll keep you posted.
2 Comments:
you know, i am proud to admit that there are times when i am blessed with a brief moment of creativity. from time to time i even say something funny. but, sadly, i'm afraid that i am incapable of fabricating a story like this one. everything is true except for the locking the doors and hiding under the covers part. i actually peed myself and curled up in a shivering, wet ball in the middle of my floor, clutching my cell phone and softly crying.
This girl was on point during the entire thing, and I was either laughing, fumbling for a response, or just awestruck.
I narrowed it down to three possible suspects...allow me to build my case:
Dawn et al: Dawn always gives me shit about only hooking up with white girls, so at first I thought it might be her and a new friend in LA prank calling and humiliating me as an icebreaker. A timely email response from Dawn debunked this theory. However, she reiterated that she agreed with Shaquaka's cause, preventing me from ruling her out as a suspect.
My sister et al: Allie would probably know most of these things, but I had just talked to her earlier that night. She was sitting at home with my parents watching the Olympics. Maybe they're in on this too. Besides, I didn't tell her that Claire was here that weekend.
Katie et al: Crazy ex-girlfriend. Known to be unstable at times. However, I can't picture her and Shaquaka in the same room together. Two entirely different people. She has a good alibi too, she was in the delivery room with her sister that night.
I even considered the possibility that someone had been eavesdropping in on my cell phone conversations. I have to sit on the porch to get reception and someone could have bought one of those phancy signal tapper devices that spies use. How else could they know the names of my dogs?!
I will get to the bottom of this, I can assure you of that.
chuck the duckfucker.
he likes to do it up the duckbutt using his own duckbutter, right in the buttquack.
oh man. how's that for literary?
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